May 28,
2008
“Mom”
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and
peeked into his parents room to
check it
out.
He opened the
door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at
it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave
him a little wink as Johnny
closed the
door.
After
business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened
his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over
the dresser and little Johnny
going at it
behind her.
Dad
yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied,
'It's not so funny when its your mom, is it!
June 4,
2008
“Pick-up”
A British dating site asked its
female members to tell them the worst pick-up lines they've ever
heard. Hard to believe there are guys out there who would try such
lines, but a reporter from the Sun
tabloid went up to good-looking women on the street and tried them,
getting reactions ranging from "Aw, that's so sweet and very cute."
to "Fuck off!" (Guys don't really
introduce themselves as "Bond -- James Bond" and expect the same
reaction the fictional character gets in the movies, do they?!)
I'm here. What were your other
two wishes?
Do you believe in love at first
sight - or should I walk by again?
Nice dress. Can I talk you out
of it?
That dress would look great -
on my bedroom floor.
I may not be Fred Flintstone
but I could make your Bedrock
I seem to have lost my
telephone number, may I borrow yours?
Here's my cell phone. Call your
mum and tell her you won't be home tonight.
If you think you'll regret it
in the morning, we could sleep until afternoon.
Is it hot in here or is it you?
Does God know you've escaped
from heaven?
I think I've seen you on the
cover of Playboy.
I'm new around here. Could you
direct me to your flat?
If I could arrange the alphabet
I would put U and I together.
There's something wrong with my
eyes - I can't taken them off you.
I'd really like to see how you
look when I'm naked.
I wish you were a door so I
could bang you all day.
Do you sleep on your stomach or
can I?
You must be tired. You've been
running through my mind all evening.
What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this.
You look like someone I know.
Do you come here often?
How do you like your eggs in
the morning?
I feel like Richard Gere
because I'm standing next to the Pretty Woman.
You're great at fishing because
you've caught me - hook, line and sinker.
Bond. James Bond.
Are you free tonight, or will
it cost me?
If I said you had a beautiful
body would you hold it against me?
June 11,
2008
“Card”
In light of a recent court decision allowing
medical clinics to accept credit cards for their services, several
sexual dysfunction clinics have announced that they will now accept
major credit cards as payment for counseling services. They
include:
The Clinic for Treatment of Voyeurs will
take the "Discover" Card
Those getting treatment at the Bondage and
Discipline Clinic can charge to their "Master Card"
Patients at the Treatment Center for
Extramarital Affairs with Foreigners will pay with their "Visa"
cards
The Oral Sex Dysfunction Institute will
accept "Diners Club"
Patients at the Premature Ejaculation Clinic
can pay with their "American Express"
The new Center for the Treatment of Persons
who Think they can have Sex with Anyone will take "Carte Blanche"
June 18,
2008
“Bud”
Two friends are sitting in their favorite
bar watching the pretty women that come in, and rating them based on
the traditional 1 to 10 method.
A redhead walks in and one of the guys
catches his breath and says, "There's an 8 if ever I saw one!"
As his friend checks out the woman, they
hear an old man nearby say "One."
Soon a brunette enters and walks by the bar.
The other guy offers, "Now there's a 9 for sure! Look at those
legs!"
The old man again butts into the
conversation and says, "Two."
The two friends look at each other puzzled
and choose to ignore the old dude.
Just then, in comes a blond of both their
dreams. She is stacked from head to toe and dressed to kill. The two
high-five each other and simultaneously agree, "That's a 10!
Damn!"
They then look over at the old codger and
await his comment. The old guy watches the young woman walk on by
and sit down in a booth. "Three!" he nods to himself and raises his
glass in a salute in their direction.
The two disgusted friends walk down to where
the old gentlemen is sitting. "We've been sitting here all day
watching beautiful women walk into this place and we agree that they
are at the top of the scale, but all you can do is say, 1, 2, or 3.
What kind of rating is that?"
The old guy takes another sip, sits his
draft down, and turns to the men and says, "Well, you young
whippersnappers, for your information, I use the 'Budweiser Method'
of rating women."
"The Budweiser Method?" says one, "what the
hell is that?"
"Well sir, take that last one for instance.
I gave her a 3. That means it would take 3 Clydesdales to pull her
off my face!"
June 25,
2008
“Other”
The admiral's daughter finally persuaded her
father to allow her to marry the able seaman. The admiral was still
worried about his decision some months later so he warned his
daughter, "Now, some of these sailors have strange desires. Whatever
you do, don't give in to any requests he might make to have sex ...well... 'the other way'."
"Really,
father!" replied his daughter. "Our sex life is our business and for
your information we are very happy."
But her father's remarks had got her
wondering, so later that night she said to her husband, "Do you ever
feel like having sex 'the other way,' sweetie?"
"What?!," yelled
her husband. "No way! Next thing you know the house would be full of
kids!"
July 2,
2008
“Moan”
It was with much dismay that a woman
discovered her husband had a mistress. However, she was not the sort
to kill the golden goose; rather, she decided to find out what the
mistress had that she didn't in an effort to win him back.
After a long interrogation with her husband
he finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, you are too
cold," he said. "When we make love you don't do anything. You just
lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."
Is that all? thought the wife thought…is
that really all there is to it?
That night she dressed in her most alluring
lingerie, slipped her husband a shot of his favorite cognac and got
him into bed. As he started getting heated up she decided to give
him her most passionate moans and groans.
"Oh, darling!" she began. "I've had the most
terrible day! Some of our shares dropped two points, the maid quit,
and you don't give me enough housekeeping money...."
July 9,
2008
“Fit”
A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy
with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest feet she's
ever seen. The woman asks the cowboy if what they say about men with
big feet is true.
The cowboy replies, "Sure is, why don't you
come back to my place and let me prove it?"
The woman figures "why not," and spends the
night with him.
When she sees him the next day, she hands
the cowboy a $100 bill.
"I'm flattered," he says, blushing. "Nobody
has ever paid me for my prowess before."
"Well, don't be," the woman replies. "Take
this money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"
July 16,
2008
“Fun”
A man is walking home one night when he
spots a woman in the shadows.
"Quick fun just $20" she whispers
seductively as he gets to her. He'd never been with a hooker before,
but he decides what the hell? It's been awhile, he's running early,
and it's only $20.
So he steps into the bushes with her and
very soon, they're going at it. Suddenly a light flashes on them --
it's a cop. "What's going on here?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man
answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't
know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I, until
you shined that light in her face."
July 23,
2008
“Best”
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked
in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available
in grocery stores she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the
best slogan... a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of
all...."
She said to herself, "I know all about milk
and dairy farms. I can do this!"
She sent in her entry and about a week
later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out
and said, "We at Carnation loved your
entry so much, we are here to award you $5000 -- even though we will
not be able to use it in our promotion."
When you read her entry, you'll know why
they couldn't use it:
Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
July 30,
2008
“Load”
A young man finally got a date with the hot
blonde that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big
date, the young man went up on to the roof to get a quick tan. Not
wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the
roof and managed to get an all-over sunburn instead.
Determined not to miss his date, he put some
lotion on his manhood to prepare for his hot evening.
But it wasn't enough: the evening's
activities were excruciating. During a break he went into the
kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk, and then dunked his
sunburned member in, which offered immediate relief of his pain.
His date, meanwhile, wondering what he was
doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him immersed in a glass of
milk. Before the embarrassed chap could say anything, she did:
"Huh! That's how
you guys load those things!"
August 6,
2008
“Remember”
A guy is at the supermarket when he notices
that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her
hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken back that such a looker
would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where
he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, but do I know you?"
She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think
you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only
time he has been unfaithful. Suddenly he has a revelation. "Wow!" he
says. "Are you that stripper from my stag party that I screwed on
the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped
me with a riding crop?!"
"Uh, no," she replies. "I'm your son's
English teacher."
August 13,
2008
“Conclusion”
At the pharmacy, an attractive, young, well
built man asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The lady at the counter said that she
herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the
store, so there were no male employees. She then asked how she could
help. The man said that it was something he would be more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
She reminded him that she was completely
professional, and he could speak with her in the utmost confidence.
"This is tough for me to discuss," he said,
"but I have a permanent erection and it‘s over ten inches long. So I
was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, "I'll
go consult with my sister."
She returned a few minutes later and said:
"We discussed this and have come to a conclusion. The absolute best
we can do is: one-third ownership of the shop, a company car, your
own bedroom at our house and $3,000 a month living expenses."
August 20,
2008
“Gone”
Two guys were sitting at a bar recounting
their dreams from the night before.
"I dreamt I was on vacation," one man said
fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful
lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream last night too," said
the second guy. "I dreamt my wife decided that she wanted a
three-way with another woman. There I was in bed with my wife
and...and, uh, this beautiful women. I was having the
time of my life."
His companion looked over and joked, "In
your dream you didn't call me and tell me the good news?"
"Oh, but I did!" insisted the second guy.
"But when I called, your wife said that she wasn’t busy...because
you'd gone fishing....."
August 27,
2008
“Chair”
Two elderly residents were sitting alone in
the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old
lady, "I know just what you're wanting; for $5 I'll have sex with
you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say
a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it
with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take
you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most
romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a
couple moments starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a
wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my
room," says the old man with a satisfied smirk.
"Get serious," she says, rolling her eyes.
"I want four times in the rocking chair."
September 3, 2008
“Moral”
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in
King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for
this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000
gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer
readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a
batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's
brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to
address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and
Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure
the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer
the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his
mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the
Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon
Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician
could never report this matter to the King, he shooed Horatio the
Physician away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped
a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story: Always pay your
bills.
September 10, 2008
“Record”
One night, several months ago, Denise and I
spent the night at a Motel 6 while on a trip. We had been driving
all day, were really tired and needed to get a early start the next
morning. We were lying in bed, noticing the repeated constant sound
of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a
wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly
above us were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep.
This went on for some time. Later, I described the event to some
friends at a party…..
Me: "For the first five minutes, it was
funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so
well. After about 15 minutes, it became really annoying.
After 25 minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was
keeping us from going to sleep...."
Friends: "And then?"
Me: "And then after 30 straight minutes of
hard core high speed wall pounding boogie it was pretty damn
impressive."
Friends: "And...?"
At that point, Denise called from the next
room: "And then I challenged him to beat that record.
...And he lost."
September 17, 2008
“Mailman”
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the
neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes
he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut
short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor
bottles.
"Wow Bob,
looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman
comments.
Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we
had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving
since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from
around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do
you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we
come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our
privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I
missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.
"Your name came up four or five times."
September 24, 2008
“Wave”
An older man married a younger woman. After
several months, the young woman complained that she had never
climaxed during sex and, by birthright, all women are entitled to at
least one climax during sex. So they went to see a doctor.
The doctor tells them to get a young,
strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are
having sex. This, the doctor says, will cause the woman to climax,
so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax.
They go back to the doctor.
The doctor says for the bride to change
partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have
the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young
woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the
other.
When it is over, the husband smugly looks
down at the young man and says, "You see, you idiot! That's how you wave a towel!"
October 1,
2008
“Answer”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go
into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly
beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..."
says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of
of of of gui gui gui gui..."
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th thth th
th th th th th th th th..."
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful
landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if
they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi",
stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui..." tries
Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th
th th th th th th th...".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who
loves a bet. "If any one of you can answer a simple question without
stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she
turns to the Englishman.
"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man
Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose," says the beautiful landlady.
Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?"
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin
Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose," says the gorgeous
woman.
"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at
the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great
cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by
the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her
underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and
goes for glory, and then right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly
screams out "...- D D D D D DDDDDerry!!"
October 8,
2008
“Womanhood”
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10
years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those
tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the
almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school
will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to
mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat,
we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little
mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in
places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital
or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun
as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (if he did it right and didn't end up with
his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the
fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn
to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend
the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing
creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the
growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night
and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once
flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we
pee in our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives,
the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in
the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet
moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and
beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.
Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push,"
warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and
hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels
only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful
little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey,
snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids
are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in
our mid-30s to early 40s while hubby had his somewhere around his
18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early
hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The
Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either
take hormones and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or
the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July,
wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off
anything that moves.
So, you ask why
women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy including the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would
make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me!!
October 15,
2008
“Fishing”
At the
Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to
fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing
together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in
the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or
down?"
All of a
sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man
couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and then continued on
down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went
again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed
the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat
when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks,
"Well, do you want to go up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the
gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another
fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or
down?"
She
replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asks,
"What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you
wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now
today, nothing."
She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my
hearing aid in and I thought you said 'fuck or drown'!"
October 22,
2008
“Stiff”
On a train from London to Manchester an
American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment,
“You English are too stiff. You set yourself
apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the
rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood,
a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to
that?”
The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of
your mother.”
October 29,
2008
“Limericks”
There once was a man with a member,
That would only stand up in December,
He said, "It's too cold,
For a hard-on so bold,
I wish it would work in September!"
There was a young woman named Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they never went
soft.
Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at
night."
Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex
that’s concave not convex
for I don’t fancy things that
protrude."
A young engineer name of Paul
Was equipped with an octagonal ball.
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a
call.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said: "It's a sin
But now that it's in
Could you shove it a few inches
higher?"
I see by the size of your member
You're as hot as a blazing coal ember!
So slicken that mast -
And hon, make it fast -
This girl's not been poked since December!
There once was a lady Annheiuser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
with the Schlitz in his pants
and now, she is sadder..
Budweiser...
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for your
dong!"
There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her cash playing keno.
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And
now she owns the casino!
There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He whipped out his penis
And woke up with a handfull of
goo!
The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgins
And swarms with erotic effex.
November 5,
2008
“Ride”
It
goes like this - you get it on with your partner. There is anxious
anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to
the top.
There are
smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding.
The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions
on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle,
things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with
complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are
flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming
going on.
The rest
of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping,
sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a
surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but
always...always...at the end, there's a big smile on the face, hair
is all messed up and everyone is talking about how great it is while
some of them say, "I wanna go again"...
That's why sex is like a roller coaster
ride!
November 12,
2008
“Puddles”
A man
walked into a bar with three ducks and sits each of them on his own
stool. He asks the bartender, "Could ;you keep an eye on my
ducks while I go use the phone?" The bartender agrees and when
the duck owner leaves, he asks the first duck, "What's your
name?"
The first
duck says "Hello, my name is Huey and this has been a great
day. I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day."
Smiling, the bartender
moves to the next duck and asks about his name
and his day. The second duck says, "My name is Dewey
and I've also had a great day. I've been slipping in and out
of puddles all day."
"Good for you! That sounds nice." says
the barkeep. Then he moves to the third duck saying, "Don't
tell me...your name is Louie and you've spend your day in
puddles."
"No",
replied the last duck, "my name's Puddles and my day
sucked!"
November 19,
2008
“Fuzz”
A little old lady decides she wants to join
a biker club. She knocks on the door of the local club and a big
tattooed bearded guy answers the door. “I want to join your club,”
she declares. The guy is amused and he lets her in. All the shady
characters stare at her.
They sit her at the bar and the guy says,
“Okay, first I gotta see if ya pass the test. You have a bike?”
The lady says, “Yeah, that’s my Harley out
there,” and points through the window to a showroom perfect classic
1959 with a sidecar.
The biker then asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady says, I smoke four packs
of open butt camels a day and I like cigars when I’m shooting
pool.”
The biker then asks, “Well, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz?”
The lady replies “No, I’ve never been picked
up by the fuzz….
but, I’ve been swung around
by my tit’s a few times!”
November 26,
2008
“Strong”
Two drunks are talking in a bar. The first
one says, “When I was thirty and got a hard-on I couldn’t bend it
with either of my handes. By the time I was forty, I could
bend my dick about ten degrees if I used both hands. At
fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I’m going to be sixty next week and now I can almost bend my
stiff cock in half with just one hand.”
“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your
point?”
The first drunk replies, “I’m just wondering
how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
December 3,
2008
“Bull”
Two cows are standing next to each
other in a field.
Dolly says “I know that we’re happy
California cows but, why are you so chipper?”
Daisy answers, “I was artificially
inseminated this morning!”
Dolly then says “I don’t believe you”
Daisy replies. “It’s true, no bull!”
December 10,
2008
“Anomaly”
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist.
“Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually
anymore.”
“Hmm,”
replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”
“I did that,” she
says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”
“How about taking
another lover?”
“I
tried that. I have two lovers plus my
husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”
“My goodness,” says
the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”
“Oh, thank you Doctor,” says the woman. “Will
you please tell my husband I’m an anomaly? After he found out about
the other guys he keeps calling me a slut!”
December 17,
2008
“Wheelbarrow”
After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life
wasn’t what it used to be, a sex counselor suggests they vary their
position.
“You should try the wheelbarrow,” the counselor says. “Lift her
legs from behind, and off you go.”
The husband is raring to try it.
“Well, OK,” the hesitant wife agrees, “but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away, and second, you
have to promise we won’t go past my parents’
house.”
