April 2nd, 2007
“Catch”
An old man sitting on his front porch down in
Louisiana watching the sun rise, sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken
wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The
boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn
fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just
laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes
walking by, and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him
the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time
next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees
the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The
old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells
back, "Roll of duct tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do
with that?"
The boy says, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man
yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct
tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night
around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's
amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape
with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old
man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed
with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says, "Hold on boy, I'll get my
hat."
April 3rd, 2007
"Watch"
A rather confident bloke walks into a pub and takes
a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices
this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I
just bought this state-of-the-art watch. and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk
to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it
says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and
replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn, this thing must be an
hour
fast."
April 4th, 2007
"Cheater"
Three guys died
and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St.
Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your
answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a
car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up
and St. Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The first guy
says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter
asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
St. Peter said, "True, but that's not too good. You get a Pinto to
drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from
St. Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and
cheated on her once, but that was during our first year
together and we worked it out."
St. Peter said, "I'm
pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walked up
and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married
for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my
wife like a queen!"
St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear.
Here's a Jaguar for you!"
A little while later, the guys with
the Lincoln and the Pinto notice the guy with the Jaguar crying on a
golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they
asked the guy with the Jag what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife drive by and she
was driving a rusty Yugo!"
April 5th, 2007
"Aspirin"
A husband feeling a bit
horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of
water for his wife.
He says, "Here love, some aspirin and some
water."
His wife replied, "but honey, I haven’t a headache!"
and the husband
shouts, "Yes!"
April 6th,
2007
“Shop”
A man walks into a watch and clock
store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The
woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him
straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock
shop - not a cock shop!"
"Well," replies the man, "Why
don't you put two hands and a face on it?"
"Embarrassments"
This week’s jokes comes from England. Every
day this week will be a short story within the theme of
Intimate Embarrassments. I now turn you over to the Brits:
It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate...But
sometimes sex is just an embarrassing cock-up. These women were
willing to cringe and tell all about their Sexual
Blunders
April 9th, 2007
Monday
'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat
from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the
answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point,
he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly
energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After
work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the
kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we
settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and
definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly
through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the
playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on
being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped
coffee all over herself.'
-Maureen, manager, 25
April
10th, 2007
Tuesday
'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be
honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going
through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about
the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the
dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a
spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name,
naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I
just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth
wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere - would it?
We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.
-Anna, journalist, 28
April 11th, 2007
Wednesday
'One Christmas, I went
with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are
quite open minded and on our first morning his father brought us tea
in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out
the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had
recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck,
like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was
hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me,
father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.)
Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did
he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the
rest of the holiday.
-Jane, estate agent,
25
April 12th, 2007
Thursday
'On our first
holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in
a lovely hotel. On our first night there, we had cocktails and then
went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we
lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed
deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around
to check that there was absolutely - no one there - and there
wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to
see if it was possible to have sex under water. We were doing quite
well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of
the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was
better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an
underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's
disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were
dancing until the management had seen us. I was so humiliated that I
made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next
morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight
back in case anyone recognized us.'
-Elana, publisher,
32
April 13th, 2007
Friday
'I was about 18
when I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were
cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I
didn't really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard
him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the
bedding, I did catch the words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an
experimental nibble or two. Then he started pulling my hair a bit,
which I took as a sign of him getting carried away with passion.
Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I
became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I heard a howl of
pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out
what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying, "don't bite,
don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it
any better.'
-Trina, record company executive,
25
April 16th, 2007
Today is the
last day that you can file your State income taxes on
time.
Here's a joke to get you through the day.
“Cocks”
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin,
I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address,
social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your
occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant
balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too
crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
"Ok, I'm a
prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They
both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to
do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 500 cocks
last year!
April 17th, 2007
Today is
the last day that you can file your Federal income taxes
on time.
Here's a joke to get you through the day.
"Audit"
A man, called to an audit at the IRS, asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest
clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell
you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy,
long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when
she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your
most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you're going to
get screwed."
April 18th, 2007
"Toast"
A posh British hotel holds three weddings on the
same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar
to discuss the days events over a couple of pints.
One
questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was
wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do
it" The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual
a few pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go
for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Eventually, they
all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night
goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast
to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes
up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings
on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us."
"No, you're right mate. What we'll do then, is for every
piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount
times we did it" offers another groom. They all decide it's an
excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining
room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's
nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the
room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to
take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with
THREE pieces of toast please". The other two grooms smile at him and
raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom
orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I
have FOUR pieces of toast" The other two grooms turn to make pistols
from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.
The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the
full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep
breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's
benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates,
who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey
must be.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress.
"Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven
pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order and turns away,
but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again
"And by the way love, can you make two of those
brown?"
April 19th, 2007
"Equipment"
A couple went on holiday to a fishing resort up
north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife
preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several
hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided
to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she
rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book,"
she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy daft, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. The lady says
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have
all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you
up." the sheriff says as he starts to tie off her boat to
his. "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the
irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
The lady replied,
"That's
true....but you have all the equipment."
April
20th, 2007
“RainbowQuickies”
Two gay guys are standing on a bridge watching ships
pass by underneath them.
One says to the other, "What kind of
ship is that?"
"Container ship."
"OK, what's that one over
there?"
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"
"That's a ferry
boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had
our own NAVY!"
What do you call a lesbian that has more than one
lover?
A bush hog!
How can you tell when your house has been
burglarized by queens?
When you come home, you discover that your
jewelry is missing, and all your furniture has been tastefully
rearranged.
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I
can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a
gay bar?"
April 23rd, 2007
“Marketing”
THE TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:
10.
Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like
iron.
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
tonight.
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper.
6. Viagra, It
plumps when you take 'em.
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man,
but made for a woman.
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling.
3. Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
2. Viagra, We
work harder, so you don't have to.
and the number one slogan
for Viagra:
1. This is your penis.
This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
April
24th, 2007
"Parrot"
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a
large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read
$5.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner
looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this
bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says
some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but
decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung
the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say
something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked
at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit
shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so
bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the
parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam
... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but
then began to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain
this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came
home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took
one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
April
25th, 2007
Happy Birthday Webmaster!
"Underwear"
The other morning
I took a pair of underwear out of
the drawer. "What the hell?" I
said to myself as a
little dust cloud appeared when I shook them
out.
"Denise!," I hollered to my wife in the
bathroom,
"why did you put talcum powder in my
underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder.
It's
Miracle Grow."
April 26th, 2007
"Ear"
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy
sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting
laid?"
"That doesn't
prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your
ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then
pull it out, which feels better...your ear or your
finger?"
April 27th, 2007
“Small”
What no man wants to hear...
"I've smoked fatter joints than that."
"Ahh,
it's cute."
"I'm sorry."
"Who circumcised you?"
"Why
don't we just cuddle?"
"You know they have surgery to fix that."
"Wow, and your feet are so big."
"My last boyfriend was 6"
bigger."
"It's OK, we'll work around it."
"Can I be honest
with you?"
"My 8-year-old brother has one like that."
"This
explains your car."
"I didn't know they came that small."
"Why is God punishing you or ME for that matter?"
"Let's
just stick with your hand."
"How interesting..."
"I never
saw one like that before."
"But it still works right?"
"Do
you take steroids?"
"I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your
dick."
"I think there's a dildo around here somewhere."
"Why
don't we skip right to the cigarettes?"
"Oh, I didn't know you
were in an accident."
"Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?"
"Aww,
it's hiding."
"Are you cold?"
"Does this run in your
family?"
"It's a good thing you have so many other talents."
"Does it come with an air pump?"
"So this is why you're
supposed to judge people on personality."
"Deep throat? I doubt
it'll reach my tongue!"
"Don't hold back."
"Nevermind, why
bother?"
April 30th,
2007
“Women”
Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa,
wild, virgin and unexplored.
Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and
exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 65, she is like America, fully
explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
Between the ages of 66 and 75 she is like Europe, exhausted but
still has points of interest.
After 76, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there
but who
gives a damn.
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